Manipulative and Toxic Silence in a Relationship: How to Recognize It and What to Do

With words, we communicate thoughts and emotions to others, expecting the same in return from our interlocutor to create a balanced and virtuous relationship—one based on exchange, on an implicit do ut des (meaning, "I give so that you may give"), which enriches both parties and fosters a healthy connection.

A relationship doesn’t necessarily have to be romantic. Friendships, parent-child relationships, and even relationships between colleagues follow the same dynamic. These are all significant bonds, where one invests in the other to some extent.

But communication is not only about words—it also includes what is left unsaid. Non-verbal communication plays a crucial role, as do silences: choosing to say or not to say something is, in itself, a way of conveying a message.

We may remain silent for the sake of peace, to diffuse an argument, to omit something, to avoid hurting someone, or even to inflict harm. Let’s not forget that deliberately and systematically choosing not to speak can be a form of aggression, used by one person against another.

Some people use silence as a way to punish or attack their partner, refusing to speak for hours or even days. This is known as manipulative silence, a true form of psychological abuse.

This dynamic typically arises in relationships where one person holds a position of power over the other, using silence as a tool to achieve their own goals.

Over time, this modus operandi becomes a fixed pattern in the relationship, often without the victim even realizing it. The so-called passive-aggressive individual uses silence as a form of control and dominance within the relationship. If this vicious cycle is not recognized and broken, it can lead to a toxic situation.

In romantic relationships, it is often the narcissistic partner who employs this tactic to punish their companion, increasing feelings of distress, uncertainty, and inadequacy in the victim—demonstrating a profound lack of respect and consideration.

Silence can also be a response when one feels misunderstood or hurt. In this case, it is used to make the other person reflect on their actions, in an attempt to overcome the "conflict" and improve the relationship.

It can also serve as a way to build a wall and become less emotionally exposed. This form of silence is often used as a defense mechanism, especially in situations where one feels uneasy or particularly vulnerable.

In some cases, silence is chosen when there seem to be no more words left to say, when discussing certain topics would be futile or even dangerous. This type of silence is used to defuse potential conflicts or ongoing arguments, acting as a useful strategy to restore peace in a relationship.

This is known as positive silence, the well-known advice to "count to ten before speaking"! However, it is important to remember that a pause in conversation should only be temporary—the discussion should be resumed at a better time when both parties feel calmer and more prepared to find common ground.

Silence, when prolonged without purpose, risks becoming unproductive or even a breeding ground for resentment and bitterness. If left unresolved, these emotions may eventually resurface like a boomerang, negatively affecting the relationship.

"Toxic silence is a form of coercive and controlling communication. There is nothing positive about receiving this kind of treatment from a partner. Like other forms of abuse, manipulative or punitive silence can create a dangerous cycle of emotional abuse if no change occurs," explains Prof. Borroni.

Warning Signs of Toxic Silence:

• When silence is used as a manipulative tactic to control a situation or a conversation and lasts for an excessive period of time, it may indicate emotional abuse.
• Silence becomes manipulative or punitive when the person using it is fully aware that their behavior is causing emotional distress to their partner, yet refuses to change this pattern, showing a lack of concern for the other person’s needs.
• When silence causes the recipient to feel distressed, anxious, and isolated, gradually eroding their sense of self-worth.
• When the person on the receiving end starts fearing their partner's reactions, feeling the need to "walk on eggshells" to avoid upsetting them.

"If you are a victim of toxic silence, it is important to remain calm and avoid becoming defensive. It can be helpful," emphasizes the professor, "to try to understand why the other person is using manipulative and punitive silence and what they hope to achieve with it."

It is also crucial to set clear boundaries regarding what behavior is acceptable and how one expects to be treated, communicating personal needs clearly. If silence is being used as a form of punishment, the person experiencing it should remind their partner that they have done nothing wrong and deserve to be treated with respect.

If this is not acknowledged, seeking support from friends, family, or a personal support network can be beneficial. Furthermore, if the partner refuses to change their communication style, it may be necessary to consider seeking professional help or even ending the relationship.

"Individual therapy," explains the specialist, "may be necessary for those who engage in manipulative silence and wish to change this communication style, recognizing the destructive power of this behavior in relationships. Working with a professional can help develop new behaviors and practice healthy communication skills."

Therapeutic work in these cases focuses on identifying the triggers that lead to silence. Recognizing the emotions or contextual factors that provoke this behavior is essential for learning alternative ways to handle stressful relational moments, in order to prevent the use of silence as a coping mechanism.

"Couples therapy, on the other hand, may be the best path when both partners believe the relationship is worth saving," concludes Professor Borroni.